“If I can do it, all of you can do it.”

I sat at a table taking notes as a public speaker said these words to a room full of women. “If I can do it, all of you can do it!” The audience applauded, glowing at the speaker’s words.

This speaker was gifted, driven, and confident. She told her life story – her immigrant background, her entrepreneurship roots, her passion to empower women, all while being a compelling speaker. She had natural abilities and added hard work to the mix for a life story that was full of focus and purpose.

And then those words – “If I can do it, all of you can do it.”

With the intention of empowerment, she disqualified herself with 11 single syllabic words.

I’m hearing a story of a woman who is fierce, motivated, and focused. She knows what she is doing with her life’s work. I’m seeing a woman who is driven, smart, and confident. She knows where her passions and burdens meet and she uses that to fuel her actions. I’m learning about a woman who is strong, brave, and intentional. She told stories of adversity and how overcoming them leads her to where she is today.

And then I hear, “If I can do it, all of you can do it.”

I know her motivation was empowerment. But this well-intended phrase strips the necessary hard work and jumps straight to the finish line. Especially for women, this sneaky little phrase is something to watch out for. It’s disqualifying. It normalizes accomplishments and hard work to something mundane and typical.

I’m sure I’ve uttered this phrase many times, it just wasn’t public speaking while someone was taking notes. But I had the same intention – to empower my audience. I wanted to cheer them on. And what I didn’t realize is with that phrase I was doing it at my expense. I didn’t realize it was insecurity masked as empowerment.

For women, insecurity is something we have inherited. Women didn’t vote until 1920. (And it’s important to note that in the South, African American women didn’t freely vote until the 1960s.) Women could be fired from their workplace for being pregnant until 1978. Women couldn’t apply for a credit card until 1974 (that’s a whole 14 years after they began). Women didn’t serve on juries until 1975.

We are living in the shadow of the inequalities of our nation. The history’s and stories of women who have raised us, empower us, and mentor us are influenced by the past.

A little bit of you’re not good enough. A little bit of you need your husband’s permission before you sign that form. A little bit of you’re too pregnant to do that job. A little bit of you’re too sympathetic to sit on a jury. These stories are ingrained in the women around us. The laws are rewritten, but memories have not.

These echoes of past inequalities affect our actions in ways. Let’s recognize them and place our confidence where it’s meant to be. We can battle with our insecurities while being confident in our abilities. We can encourage others without disqualifying ourselves. We can cheer someone on with “you can do it” while leaving out the “if I could.” We can be inspired by someone else’s story without needing to compare.

These stories are ingrained in the women who have raised us, empower us, and mentor us are influenced by the past. Together let’s pay attention to the stories we are telling to the daughters around us so we can better shape our future.