I’m getting ready in the morning, trying to see myself well in the bathroom mirror without my glasses on. I’m putting concealer on to fade my deep under-eye circles.
“My son has these eyes,” I say to myself.
These under eye circles have always been with me. You’ll find them in my childhood pictures. I’m Greek-Italian. A blend of both for my family lines. I’m not exactly sure what Mediterranean heritage gave me the under-eye circles, but I’ve grown used to them. They have been there through the years. These under-eye circles have always been with me, so long that they were before me.
I know I’m more than the sum of my appearance. I am not my features. We are also soul and spirit, and beauty that goes beyond the exterior. Beauty that is shaped by mood, personality, and actions. (I fully believe that on my best days. And on my worst days, I struggle to remember it.)
But this morning, I saw beyond myself. I saw connection to others. First I saw my son and future generations. Then I saw the collection of my ancestors, genetics passed down mysteriously to create me.
My features were never fully mine. They are a mysterious combination of previous generations. It’s a beautiful gift what God is giving us through creation. From the very start we are given the gift of interdependence. We are built for community and family, quite literally.
As a preteen I remember taking nearly constant surveillance of my appearance. The shape of my nose, the length of my neck, the texture of my hair, the structure of cheekbones (or lack thereof). Toes, knees, waist, shoulders. I was constantly studying myself and doing the math to discover if my appearance added up.
Do they add up to beauty, perfection, and acceptance? Do they add up to what culture says is beautiful?
Do they add up to more than the image I see in the mirror? Do they add up to more than shame and insecurity? Do they add up?
Do they add up to learning more about the God who created me? Do they add up to the total sum of who came before me? Do they add up to honoring who I was created to be and who I’ve come after and who will be to come? Do they add up?
Now I want to look at my body in a different way. After seeing little bodies that came out of my body grow and begin to take shape into part of my family’s legacy and an interconnected part of God’s story, blood and flesh have a different purpose than vanity and self-fulfillment. This morning at least I’m seeing it in this light.
I still put on concealer to mask my under-eye circles. I don’t want to look tired. But I see the parts that make me up as more, as a small part in God’s massive story. We are wired for love and built for community. I add up to more. We all do.
Yes & amen! My daughter has little versions of my husband’s under eye circles and both my kids share left eyes that are ever-so-slightly smaller than the right. It’s something silly that I used to obsess over on my own face and now I love that I passed some mama-character to each of them. Women especially have got to start talking appearance with some substance and this is a great conversation.